I've had a revelation
As my readers know, I've had a hard time coming to terms with the death of my Grandpa this past January. The impending Fathers' Day isn't helping matters either. I'm a thinker. I try to think things through to come to the best solution of my problem, and this is no different. I have thought and thought as to why THIS death is different than the way I've handled the others. I'm a fairly resilient person, and usually by the end of the funeral I'm ok. Still a bit sad at times, especially when something out of the blue reminds me of the loved one I have lost. This one is different, I think of him daily. I'm sad about him daily. I miss him... daily.At first I thought that maybe it was because he was sick for so long, but always bounced back, better than before the illness, proving just how stubborn he can be. He refused to quit anything, most of all, his life. Maybe it was that it was just too hard to believe that he finally gave up.
Then I started to think the reason I'm so fixated on this is because I was beside him, holding his hand as he took his last breath. I saw the pain in everyone's eyes, the hurt in their hearts. And I'm a fixer. I've always prided myself on being able to take care of everything, and there was nothing I could do to ease anyone's pain. There was nothing that could be done to bring him back. Hell, it was the family that decided to pull him from the medicines that were keeping him alive. We decided to let him go, so why was it so hard to let him go? We knew when we did it that he would die, but we did it anyway. Before he went back into his coma he told us he wanted to go. We know we did the right thing, so why is it still so hard?
I think I have come to the real answer. My Grandma is still alive. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it makes sense. For those of you who have someone older in your life who has been married for many many years, you can probably relate. They do everything together. Have the same laugh, the same smile. The same hopes, dreams, and fears. After many years of love and life together, a couple becomes like one person. They go everywhere and do everything together. You can't imagine one without the other. And that's my problem. It's like he's not really gone, because half of him is still here. Still alive and well. My grandmother is the reason I can't accept his death. His memories, his laughter, his integrity, and most of all, his love is still alive and well in her. So it's like he's still alive also. And that's how I am going to handle this. From now on when I spend my Sunday's at Grandma's , I'm not just visiting her. I'm visiting both.
God help me when she goes...
posted by ~ Amanda X&O @ 8:14 AM
Comments: 7
